The Juggler
№99 — Don’t Turn Your Back on Us (demo)
organizing an accident is a weekly newsletter where I leak home demos of unreleased songs, first draft lyrics, thoughts on the creative process, & dispatches from music life in Paris.
Listen to “Don’t Turn Your Back on Us” (demo):
This song was written on September 13, 2018
This is demo leak #99
Over a lifetime, the juggling act of contradictory thinking that an artist must perform is arguably the most important role they’ll ever play. To forego it is to reject the entire enterprise of art.
The artist is an astounding zealot, wielding a blind faith rarely seen beyond church walls. At the same time, the artist exists in a perpetual state of self-doubt, forever swatting away both real and imagined criticism from the institutionally inclined.
Committing to a life of uncertainty—devoid of guidelines, playbooks, or a steady paycheck—is a particular kind of madness, leaving one isolated and misunderstood by society. It demands superhuman resilience and an appetite for discomfort, a trait shared perhaps only with entrepreneurs or the philosophers of old.
Those who lack this courage, who live with the constant reality of a backup plan, will always fall back on it. Those who bet their money on the institution—opting instead to engage with art through academia or the corporate world—never truly believed to begin with. That’s fine, but they can never understand the path they chose to avert.
That path is a righteous one, and if the artist can reckon with the compounding debt accrued from years of egoism, their work might begin to serve others—striking fear in their souls, peace in their hearts, and accompanying them along the march toward death. ◍
“It is not childish to live with uncertainty, to devote oneself to a craft rather than a career, to an idea rather than an institution. It’s courageous and requires a courage of the order that the institutionally co-opted are ill equipped to perceive. They are so unequipped to perceive it that they can only call it childish, and so excuse their exploitation of you.” - David Mamet, True and False
“Don’t Turn Your Back on Us” lyrics
Ain’t no hat in my hand
But I’d rather have it there
Than to let you disappear
With another man
Ain’t it bad how we laughed
At the sadness in the air
Underneath these burning lamps
Of our despair
Don’t turn your back on
Don’t turn your back on us
No certain fate is around the corner
Don’t turn your back on us
If you’re blue
Don’t you do anything I wouldn’t do
There are times when it’s alright
To be someone new
When you can
Call me back
I’ll be waiting on my end
With a tin can phone
And this letter unsent
Don’t turn your back on
Don’t turn your back on us
No certain fate is
Around the corner
Don’t turn your back on
Don't turn your back on us
You don't have to dress it up
To come through my woods
Don't turn your back on us
No, don't turn your back on us
These lyrics were written in September 2018.
From the Vault
What I’m listening to this week
What I’ve been reading
C.S. Lewis - A Grief Observed
Check out my previous demos and writing via the Substack archive + discover my official music releases on Spotify, Apple, or your platform of choice. Find me on all socials at @thisryanegan.
Read the previous post.
Can we move forward and never show each other our backs from time to time? To forget the past mistakes to move on mean we turn our backs on each other? If we are all one do we cheat and have it both ways?
Enjoyed this and espouse your artist credo 100% but really disappointed there was no actual juggling in it.